Appt #9 – OB

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(19.5 weeks)

As I sat in the waiting room of my OB office, another woman walked in carrying her newborn baby, all tiny and red and bundled snug in the infant carrier.  At her side was her toddler gal, all smiley and smitten with her freshly birthed sibling.  What should be a sweet moment to anyone’s senses instantly instilled anxiety in my heart.  Oh my gosh, I forgot how small newborns are. How helpless and dependent. How they cry and they poop and they sleep. And how I will cry and maybe poop and not sleep. And wow, I have to push this bundle out of me.  My girlie parts hurt just thinking about it.  I’m more than glad that I labored, for the most part, at home and had an all natural, non-medicated birth with my first. I wouldn’t change that and I plan on doing the same thing again.  People say you forget the pain of labor, they say you gloss over it.  That is so not true! Boy do I remember the pain, the hours and hours of labor, the swaying, the leaning, the walking, the pressure, that feeling of extreme discomfort and there’s nothing you can do about it, me doubting my ability and wondering if I could get through it, those few times I said “I can’t do this anymore, it’s too much.”

It’s all too much. The baby, the blood sugars, the appointments, the emotional and mental energy it takes for me to remain calm and positive. The energy I expend not letting others bother me, the doubt within myself, and the just plain tiredness.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt out of control, stuck in my situation, unable to change it.  What am I doing? Why do people have kids? How am I going to manage?

Just breathe! I prayed and asked for peace.

Then texted the oak tree,

“I’m freaking out after seeing a newborn in the office!”

“It’s going to be great babe, don’t worry about it. It will be another challenge and we will tackle it together.”

The voice of reason and calm and stability. Thank God for husbands.

I know this won’t be my last freak-out, I know I will have nights where I wake up in a panic, I will have fear and doubt. But I have to keep fighting it. Some days I’m not sure how I leave the house or how I get anything done because the anxiety is so rampant. Other days I feel light and happy and nothing seems to bother me (I love those days!). I don’t know the answer, other than to keep fighting and try not to give in to those anxiety triggers. Lord help me 🙂

 

 

oh ps — the visit with Dr G went great. Very pleased with my sugars, super easy visit, go again in 2 weeks!