Discouraged (Appt #16- growth ultrasound)

(27 weeks)

Eyes red, head pounding, heart defeated…..

Had another growth ultrasound today and baby is measuring on the big side. Her head and humerus are normal range. Her abdomen is massive….over 97th percentile. Her femur is measuring a little long. Overall they guesstimate her weight at 3 lb 3 ounces. About 2 weeks ahead of what she “should” be.

The ultrasound tech was nice but explained away the large belly in this manner, “Well, you are diabetic. You must not be as controlled as you think.”

I’m sure she didn’t mean it in the way it came out but I had to hold back my tears. People just don’t know. They don’t understand how words like that sting a diabetic who’s doing the very best she can.  How those words do nothing but pass judgement. People will use words like “controlled/uncontrolled”, “managed/unmanaged” to describe this condition that I live with 24 hours a day and think about every hour I’m awake. I stress about it, I plan my meals around it, I have anxiety because of it. I work my butt off. People don’t realize how personal of a condition it is. How everything I eat, how my stress level, how all these different things can affect my blood sugar. But along with that comes a host of uncontrollable things within my body that also affect blood sugar. Things I have no say over.

I can only do so much.

The killer thing is that I wasn’t even nervous coming into the appointment. Because I KNEW that I had been doing really well. My A1c is down to 6.3% (from 7.2% at start of pregnancy), my sugars are more stable, I’ve been working out more. I haven’t had nearly as many highs or drastic lows. I thought it was in the bag.

I know ultrasounds are not entirely accurate. They weren’t accurate with my first baby. But, again, aside from it possibly reflecting on how “controlled” I am or not, I just don’t want anything to bring up the topic of induction. Doc knows I’m against it, and I know he’s flexible.  But I’m not going to go there.

I’m just flustered.